The Way You Are.

Robin Williams lost a great battle yesterday, and it makes my heart ache. Not only because we lost a great actor, comedian, and someone that I'm sure we all felt to be our friend, but because we all sat so blind to the horrible struggle he was facing.
Suicide is such a taboo topic in society. We don't talk about it. We don't ask about it. And all too often we find ourselves looking down on those that choose to end their own lives.
Why didn't they ask for help?
If only they had said something.
Didn't they know we loved them?
How could they do this to us?

I sat on the bathroom floor, crying.
I've been there plenty of times in numerous bathrooms, crying about an array of things.
I think that most people have a moment where the bathroom floor is the best place to cry.
Broken hearts,
bad grades,
losing a loved one,
someone called you ugly,
you're embarrassed for all the stupid reasons you're crying and the bathroom door has a lock.
It was a good place to cry.
I reached a low on that bathroom floor that I had never reached before, and finally all I could do was pray.
I offered a prayer that I don't think anyone should have to say, but I think a lot of us do anyway.
Help me stop hating myself.
There were a lot of things leading up to that.
Stress, unresolved anger issues towards myself that had been building since I was 15, feelings of inadequacy, and finally
hope.
Hope that I wasn't the monster I believed I was. Hope that I wasn't ugly, wasn't stupid, wasn't alone. Hope that, through God, I wouldn't always feel like this,
and that there was a way out.
And it wasn't the way out that so many resort to.
I don't want anyone to think that I'm miserable, because I'm not. There's so much good in my life, and I know it. I have the most incredible, loving, supportive husband and family. I have a million reasons to find joy in my life, and I did for the most part.
But when I was alone I didn't know what to do because I couldn't stand the thought of who I was.
Depression is the greatest battle I have ever faced, and it is continuous. Often, people find themselves attracted to any sort of temporary high, just to get them away from the pain. Addictions only deepen feelings of hatred.
It's a pain that no one understands, because we are all different.
Which is what makes it so hard.
We all face our own trials, carry our own burdens, and fight our own battles.
I've had a pretty great life. I have so much to live for, and I know I'm not as lost as I feel sometimes.
The battle against ourselves is the hardest battle we will ever fight.
Sometimes...
We lose.
I think Robin Williams got tired of fighting the relentless surge of anger, sadness, fear, and anxiety. Through the smiles and the laughs, he was tired. So he let go. He wasn't trying to hurt anyone, he was trying to save himself. It's a moment of desperation that many people will never ever have to experience. Suicide is not the answer, and it never will be, but sometimes it's the only "logic" we can find.
My first intention with posting is this: Be careful with what you say, and how you treat people, because you never know what they're going through. Be supportive, be loving, give compliments and hugs. Help people love themselves, because it's a struggle that sometimes we don't understand.
The second reason I've done this is to let you know that I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want people to think they have to fix me.
That's the other thing I've learned.
I'm not broken.
No matter how often it feels like I am,
I'm not.
I'm not perfect. There will always be things that I would like to change or do better.
but...
I'm not broken.
I'm strong.
I'm beautiful.
And so are you. If you ever need help or someone to talk to I promise I will understand in every way that I can. I've been there. I'm still there.
I'm getting better though.